unmarried. a blog
"Tell the truth about what it's like to be human."
- Cheryl Strayed
Post-divorce dating is not for the faint of heart. At least for me anyway. During one of the most craziest times in my life, I found the love of my life. And it scares the shit out of me. While I'm enjoying all of these feelings and experiences, there's this little nagging voice in the back of my head that repeats the same three lines: Do you really think you deserve this? Who, exactly, do you think you are? What if he goes back to what he had? Because with divorce, you always hear that people go back to what they know or are familiar with. And so, I scare myself into believing this is going to happen. Even when I know very well that I, for one, will NEVER go back. And yes, I'm putting this on record as a permanent stamp of that belief. It's the familiar and what I know that keeps me AWAY from the return. But somehow, and in some twisted way, I think I'm not deserving of all the efforts I'm putting in to make the forward-facing leap. And so: Do you really think you deserve this? It's like a record stuck in the same rotation. The irony here is that if a friend came to me with these same fears, I'd yell, "Nonsense!" I'd wax poetic about the person's amazing qualities. I'd fill their cup to the point of overflow. And then I realized something. That's what Erik After I wrote yesterday's post, Here are the Reasons I will (Probably) Never Marry Again he immediately sent me a text countering every point with words of encouragement. And, to quote a portion of those words: I am your probably. It was such a rush to be on the receiving end of this message. To read what I feel deep in my soul actually being reciprocated is something I'm still pinching myself over. It took 44 years to get here, to find my probably, and I'll be damned if imposter syndrome or any form of self-sabotage will destroy it. Comments are closed.
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