unmarried. a blog
"Tell the truth about what it's like to be human."
- Cheryl Strayed
I just did the exact opposite of the thing I said I wouldn’t do when newly divorced: go on a dating app.
Let me introduce you to an adult human who shares ground on planet Earth, but wishes to be referred to as Sexytime69.
Sexytime69 loves women. The love part is italicized, albeit enhancement of the desperation. He enjoys “watermelon sugar,” (if you don’t know what this is, please educate yourself for the full gamete), alcohol, and partying. Sexytime69 craves cuddles.
Sexytime69 is forty-four years young and does not disclose having children on his profile.
Sexy gives minimal information regarding himself as a person or what he enjoys doing with an actual partner, but rather shares all the things he wants to receive. He is divorced.
Sexytime69 is a pandemic of his own. He has “cleverly” cut out people in photos using sharp scissors and bad accuracy skills. Sexytime69 will declare love in minced sentences yet publicly absolve himself from coupling by leaving remnants behind including a woman’s arm and long blonde hair. Sexy is too consumed with the idea of swiping and gathering, therefore totally missing what is as clear as day to the naked eye.
Yes, I said naked.
Sexytime69 has an entire portfolio of himself in front of a mirror with a dangling towel and a grossly unmade bed in the background. These photos are nestled between the butchered ones. I know all this because I actually made the mistake of clicking on his *wink* after laughing profusely at his *name.*
Sexytime69 is, Dear America, a sad dating reality. As much as I want to embrace my new beginning, I’m quite afraid this just ain’t it.
I would, however, like to personally thank Sexytime69. Not actually in person, but I truly owe him a sincere nod for singlehandedly affording me the opportunity to see, right out the gate, what I do not want.
Sexytime has shed a floodlight of sorts on what I have been reluctantly perceiving as a dim path. My dear friend ’69 has shown me exactly what I do want by illuminating everything I don’t: to participate in online dating.
So, thank you, my bare chested compadre.