unmarried. a blog
"Tell the truth about what it's like to be human."
- Cheryl Strayed
It's funny. When someone breaks their silence and finally admits that things are wrong, it creates a ripple effect. It's as if that proverbial vail has been lifted and suddenly you see anew. Whether it's been painfully obvious or pretty discreet, it's there in all its visible glory.
The last few weeks of my "coming out" as a soon-to-be-divorcee has welcomed, or shall I say re-welcomed friends into my life. Some for lunch. Some to commiserate. All to connect. And what have I learned from being open and honest with myself? That many are stuck living with their secrets.
Listen. Deep down I'm scared shit. That was, and still is, my fear of this transition. But it's no longer a secret.
Deep down so many people are staying married because of this same fear, this secret.
It takes balls to admit that things are wrong, someone recently told me.
To which I replied:
If the queen had balls she'd be king.
The if is the problem here. Many people sadly choose to suffer through situations then find themselves (later on) sitting with an if. Plenty of us have an if hovering above. An if could look like this:
If I only finished college.
If I would have saved more money.
My ifs were making it uncomfortable in every way. Mine were:
If I stay, knowing what and how I feel, how will that impact my kids and their perception of love?
If I could finally live a true 50/50 co-parenting situation then...(insert neglected desires here.)
My ifs were too loud for me to ignore any longer. And I asked myself this: how is living this way comfortable? Why am I choosing to stay in something that is no longer serving me in the way that it should? Isn't that false advertising?!
I'm not here to promote divorce. I am here to tell you that life is too short to remain in your ifs.
Face your secrets, face your ifs, and do something about them.
Don't wait until you're on your deathbed thinking, "Huh, I shoulda did things differently. If only I had more time."
The time is now. Really.
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