It started with the birth of my daughter. And then, one miscarriage and two and a half years later, the birth of my son. The shards of the reflective glass pierced my image; stinging at my sides. Who are you? Why are you even here? You can't handle motherhood. Sh*t, you can hardly grip the realities of married life. Yes, this was my inner dialog. Until I smartened up. (With the help of my husband - bless his soul - because really, I wasn't me.) And, truth be told, that woman who shared my name and body was scary. Because she was afraid.
After a battle with Postpartum Depression, my eyes cleared of the milky fog to see that my dreams were coming true in real time: I had left the arduous nine-to-fiver, married my gentleman soulmate, was impregnated with both a baby and my (long-lost) passion for creating things, particularly stories, and yet, here I was a marionette to fear. Yes, motherhood was scary. And being a wife had its uncertainties (I come from a divorced home), but damn it I was writing again. Slowly reentering my realm. Man, Stella got her groove back...of course with permission from my heart, my savings account, and gentleman soulmate -- whom equally footed the bills while I began my unstrung dance.
But here's the thing. (See? There's always a thing.)
I wasn't fully engaged. As in I wasn't 100% in the game. There was a heckling voice in the back of my mind that said full-time motherhood with writing on the side weren't "real" gigs. And I had trust issues with allowing a man to provide for me and I wasn't sure how to settle into a life without struggle or a paycheck. All I really want(ed) though was to truly enjoy what I was doing, this dreamwork of writing, mothering, and being a wife. I wanted to really EXPERIENCE all of these things that I'd yearned for, for so long, and now had the opportunity of acquiring.
In order to do the legwork of practicing awareness and fulfillment, I 'd have to commit 100% of me. But, really, WHO could help?
My gentleman soulmate works 'round the clock.
My mother resides in Florida.
My dad is a resident of Boston.
And, honestly, motherhood doesn't provide much time or access to the girlfriend circuit that would be required of having a sister-like figure physically nudge me. Since I need this self-reflective work to be something more than a task checked off of a To-Do list, I am turning to Oprah Winfrey, a longtime inspiration, who has been walking the talk of mindfulness and self awareness and GRATITUDE for years. I am designating Oprah my mentor and, respectfully, I will be her (unofficial) mentee.
Through my trusty DVR, I am going to watch the episodes of SuperSoul Sunday and SuperSoul Sessions during my children's naps and after their bedtime. The shows are going to be my "classroom" where I sit amongst the other listeners in UCLA's campus audition and absorb the lectures. Then I'm going to follow up with the books (whenever possible) as a more in-depth curriculum.
But that's NOT all.
I'm also going to participate in O courses. My first class, LIVING BRAVE SEMESTER, launches in the New Year - January 11th to be exact - with an all-time favorite of mine, Brene` Brown.
But what about right NOW before the class begins?
Well, I am finishing up two books (I'm a Gemini, I can do that sorta thing) by authors who have been featured on Oprah's SuperSoul series. And since my zodiac and LIFE experience point to signs of weakness in consistency, I am making consistency a priority for this work.
Stay tuned for Year of Yes, and what Shonda Rhimes taught me about the 'Y' word. But in the meantime, I'll leave you with this little gem from Super Souler Rob Bell:
MY NAME IS DAWN TURZIO. I AM 36 YEARS OLD AND I'M JUST GETTING STARTED.
SuperSoul Sunday SuperSoul Sessions